Dear Older Sister,
Six years ago, you slipped an envelope under my bedroom door. Inside was a Hallmark card with a printed poem, a cheesy rhyme about how just because we are sisters, I should love and respect you despite the decisions that you may make. When I came out of my room, I saw that you had already left and weren’t coming back anytime soon.
I read the poem twice, as if the second time something more would follow than just your name signed at the bottom. But that was all I got. And that’s all I would ever get, because the night before Mother made it clear that no one was on my side. “Older Sister is older, so she needs a boyfriend more.” Those were her exact words.
Maybe I was too angry, or too young or both to fully comprehend the indignance I felt in that moment. But after six years of feeling this way, I know now that I have no choice but to find the courage to tell you the truth.
Why now? Because I am starting over—I have a new city, a new apartment, a new job, and a new life. With these things, comes a new sense of confidence. At twenty-three, I am finally ready to stand up for myself.
The past six years have not been easy for me. Come on, we both know that although I looked damn good, I totally stopped eating for about two years. I have also become increasingly cynical and defensive, at least around our family.
I know you all think that I’m depressed, that there are demons in my head or something psychological like that. Mother practically begs me to see a shrink, and I have heard her ask Father more than once, “What are we going to do about Charlotte?”
However, what I have never been able to say to you, or Mother and Father, is that there is a reason to explain this behavior:
Six years ago, Older Sister, you broke my heart. How could you have possibly thought that it would be okay for you to kiss him? Maybe you didn’t comprehend the magnitude of your actions. But I was seventeen, and I had never felt this way about a boy before. He was my first real crush, potential boyfriend, and best friend. And then, my older sister (who was even two years older than him) stole him from me?! How could you do something so cruel? I cried for three months. And I have been mad at you for six years.
I need you to know that what you did broke me. As a direct result of your actions, my relationship with Mother and Father has suffered, I resist opening up to and trusting other boys, and my respect and admiration for my older sister were crushed. I remember when I was younger, coming to you with questions and wanting to be just like you. But then you decided to choose a three-month-long fling over your own little sister, and since then, our relationship has been nothing but superficial.
I am tired of appearing as a negative and hostile person, when in reality that isn’t me at all. My attitude around you has been an instinctive, defensive response to the pain that you caused me and my inability to understand how you could ever justify what you did.
I am not trying to start a fight. My telling you this has nothing to do with you. I am telling you this because I need to move on. And, because I have held onto this pain for so long, I can think of no better way to gain closure than to finally tell you how I really feel.
I realize that this confession may come as a shock. I assume you had no idea that I have been harboring these feelings, and now that you do know, you have no idea what to do about it. And to tell you the truth, Older Sister, I’m not sure what you should do. Like I said, this confession really has nothing to do with you. This is about my moving on. You now have all the facts. You can move on too, however you see fit.