What’s on TV
Zack, the star of Bachelor Season 27, sucks.
It’s the second episode of the season, and the other women are playing second fiddle to Christina Mandrell. The camera loves her. But I’m not a country music fan. And I’ve never heard of the Mandrell Sisters.
I’d rather be watching a sassy brunette.
Bad Bitch Energy
In this week’s episode of the Bachelor, Latto (OMG Latto!!) was in the house. (I do not know who Latto is. I don’t know her song. Just another indication that the Bachelor franchise doesn’t care about me.)
After the Latto intro, the women were tasked with showing off their bad bitch energy by dancing toward Bachelor Zack, who sits not ten feet away at the front of the stage.
The women take turns presenting their bad bitch moves. They are unoriginal from each other. One woman added a shimmy to her strut.
When it’s my turn, I cha cha real smooth, with the confidence of a woman in control of her body. (Of course, I took lessons in preparation of being on the show.) This wouldn’t be my first cha cha of the season. Zack remembers my name because on Night One, I taught him how to cha cha. America remembers my name too. Am I the only Cha Cha in Bachelor Nation?
Brianna is the last woman to bring her bad bitch energy. After no winner is announced, the equally presenting baddies are told that next they must share a story of when they were a bad bitch. Most girls were edited out of the show. I assume because they didn’t understand the assignment, or just couldn’t perform under pressure.
I approach the microphone, in my producer-mandated uniform, light-wash, high-waist jeans and a cropped top. I’m trying not to speak too loudly. The twenty-three-year-old before me was soft-spoken. The producers quickly readjust for my naturally projecting, yet slightly shaking voice.
I make eye contact with the Bachelor as I speak my lines, “I was a bad bitch when the Senior Creative Director tried to feel me up at the office party. I stood up for myself not only in the moment but again the next day back in the office.”
Before the mic drops, I add, “You can read the whole story here!”
The Secret’s Out
The second date of the episode predictably went to Christina Mandrell. She has a five-year-old girl. I cannot argue with the fact that she deserves Zack’s undivided attention when she reveals her secret.
“Being a momma is who I am.” says the southern starlette.
I can’t relate to this.
Here’s the Disconnect
Chistina being a “momma” isn’t the only problem. This Bachelor is twenty-six, twelve years younger than me. Twelve years ago, I was not ready for marriage. (I’m barely ready for marriage today! But that’s another story.)
Most of the women are younger than Zack. My screen is filled with twenty-three-year-olds telling me they are ready for marriage.
And maybe they are! God bless these women and all the babies they are sure to have after getting married at twenty-three.
Listen, ABC. I get it. You need to promote women who are there “for the right reasons.” Of course, you are going to cast women who want to fall in love and get married.
The problem is, when these women are twenty-three, they have not lived long enough to develop a personality, a sense of self, beyond the desire to get married and have kids.
These bitches are more basic than bad. We don’t need more basic bitch energy.
Bring Back That Sassy Brunette
“Cha Cha! Are really watching the Bachelor? Is this really how you’re spending your time?”
Cha Cha confesses, “It’s not only the show. I listen to the replay podcasts too!”
She’s embarrassed now. But also relieved.
For the first time in a long time, she feels needed.