I didn’t write Saturday. To be fair to myself, I have to say now that I had a good day. Still alone. But I spent the day outside, tending to our rose plant that needed hours of my attention. It was nice to feel needed.
***
I’m not delusional. I know I’m not alone. I live with a man who loves me. A man who wants to marry me.
I have friends. Hundreds of miles away, there are still a few girls from the east coast that I keep in touch with. We talk or text every few months. We see each other every few years. Our lives are not intertwined the way they used to be.
That’s why I am alone a lot. I’m like a single strand tied to my man’s tapestry of forty years living in the same community. They are my community by proxy. Justin epoxy.
“Everybody loves you, Cha Cha,” Justin says when tell him that I’m exhausted from being alone.
***
I’m exhausted by being alone. Is there a more extroverted statement than that? But being alone is safe. Being alone is easy. Being alone is effortless.
Building a life requires action, vulnerability, persistence, and patience. It requires doing something different. Changing my routines and patterns. Changing my mind.
My mind is lazy. She is exhausted from being alone. Somedays, she can barely manage to leave the house.
So nothing changes.
***
But things are changing, Cha Cha! You just have to be patient. You have to keep trying new things. I’m so proud of you for all the action you’ve taken this year to start building a life for yourself.
You started a Spanish club! I mean, come on, that’s kind of amazing. Maybe the group doesn’t include your new best friend, but they are five fantastic women who all take the time to meet for one hour every Wednesday and learn something new together.
I know you feel defeated because you were secretly hoping that this would result in a kindled friendship. But maybe you just need to give the group more time. We are slowly getting to know each other. Conversational interludes between lessons.
You also joined Toastmasters. Again, it’s been a little deflating because she’s not there either. (At least you haven’t met her yet, guests and new members are a constant at our Thursday night meetings.) But that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy Toastmasters and grow from the experience.
Plus, you’re good at it! You won Best Speaker of the night for your first speech. You’re a natural storyteller with a projecting voice. Toast Masters will bring value to your life. I know it.
Just be patient.
I love you.
