I need a new iPhone. My iPhone 6 has lived a good life, withstanding battery-replacement surgery and multiple fractures that led to internal bleeding. Last week, the poor girl started having seizures, the Weather app spasming open and closed. The only way to make it stop is by turning the screen off and on again. I don’t know when the next seizure will strike, but it is always sad and helpless when it does. My iPhone 6 is dying.
But it is only a phone, so I don’t give a fuck. There is nothing to be sentimental about. I am excited for the upgrade to a proper camera and a screen that doesn’t have ink blots censoring my view from below the cracked glass.
Yup. A new phone is going to be great!
Wait. No it’s not. WFT Apple?!
The new iPhones come with headphones, but not wireless headphones, which are the actual headphones needed for the phone because how the f*ck else are people going to charge the phone and listen to something at the same time?
Where the f*ck is the headphone jack, Apple? Oh, you’re giving me a dongle, a flimply adaptor cable that is going to break every six months and I will have to keep buying a new ones because it is the only f*cking way I can plug my headphones into the phone that they came with.
Are you f*cking kidding me, Apple?
You’re telling me, that no Genius said during the design process, “Hey guys, removing the headphone jack and selling the phone with headphones that require being plugged into a headphone jack concerns me. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I want to charge my phone and listen to something through headphones at the same time. You know, like maybe at the airport or something. Like, we build these things to be so addictive that we know people are just like chillin’ at the gate on their phones. Like, if they have a dongle, and it isn’t broken yet, they can use their headphones but they can’t charge the phone at the same time. Getting on a plane with low battery is a poor user experience.”
And no Apple Genius then responded, “Bro, that’s a good point. How about we do a split dongle! A lightning jack that splits into a headphone jack and…another lightening jack!”
And no third Apple so-called Genius said, “Hey! That gives me an idea! How about we continue making the phone with BOTH the headphone AND the lightning jacks? No no, hear me out on this, guys. We want the people at the airport to be able to charge their phones while using the headphone jack, right? Well how about we make it simple as possible for them to do that by including BOTH jacks on the phone!? Then we don’t even need a dongle at all! People will LOVE it!”
[Cue Silicon Valley men in zip-up hoodies patting themselves on the back.]
About a year ago, when my iPhone 6 first started to show signs of old age, I went to the Apple Store.
“Excuse me,” I said to the Genius assigned to phones. “how do I use headphones with these guys? I make a hand gesture over the iPhone 8 display.
“You can use Airpods.” Said the Genius.
“I don’t have Airpods,” I said, “and aren’t they like $100?”
“$199” Said the Genius, “but a pair of wired headphones and an adaptor will come with your new phone.”
“You mean like a dongle?” I said, confused by stupidity.
“Yes.” Said the Genius.
“So does the dongle, like, split in two or something? So I can charge and listen at the same time.” I said.
“No. It is just a regular dongle. It’s short. About this long.” The Genius held up his hand and made a shape with his pointer finger and thumb. Move that shape to your forehead, buddy.
“Ok, so what about at the airport or something. Or better yet, what about at night? Listening to something helps me fall asleep. I turn the phone face down on the bed, so there isn’t any light and I just listen through my headphones until I drift off to sleep. I usually knock the earbuds out, but the episodes of Law&Order keep streaming on my face-down phone. So if I understand you correctly, you’re telling me, that if I purchase this phone, and use the accessories that come with the phone for the purpose that Apple is intending those accessories to be used, when I wake up in the morning, my phone will have zero battery.”
“Well, just for now. Charging is going wireless!” The Genius swings back.
“Oh, wait. Does the phone come with a wireless charger?” I asked, prepared to stand corrected.
“No. You won’t need a charger. It’s gonna be accessible over wifi.” Said the Genius.
“It’s gonna be? So today, it is still impossible to charge the phone and listen to something through headphones at the same time.”
“Some places have wireless charging. You just have to connect the wifi network and you can charge your phone while you have headphones plugged in.” Said the Genius.
“Starbucks and Ikea.” Said the Genius, oblivious to his ironic title.
Speaking slowly now, “So if I want to charge my phone and use the headphones at the same time, I have to go to Starbucks or Ikea?”
“Yup. And connect to the wifi.” Said the Genius.
That last response was so f*cking stupid, that I needed to leave the store immediately in order to keep my head from exploding all over the Genius.
A dongle?! Really? And it doesn’t even split?
You should be ashamed of yourself.